Thursday, November 25, 2010
okay tues was on my B'DAY!!!hahahaha
sorry lack of update but i guess i only do it when i am really pissed off.
okay so~ my birthday was like a normal everyday life as usual.
hahaha. i knw i knw special day usually should be celebrated.
but..the things is..for me a special day like this is never meant to be celebrated
cause i'm not truly accepted in this world. why?
cause my dad, family, my friends, everyone even the person i like doesn't truly accepted me
an i just want to stop living as it is. the only thing that can kind of make the pain go away, believe or not smoking. its like my painkiller. it is one thing that can let me 4get abt all this shit.
even now i feel like smoking.
you always talk abt $$$$$$ i'm sick of it. i clearly need to find a part time job after graduation.
but what? 7/11 maybe?
seriously its not my fucking fault that ur friends is earning more. blame ur fucking boss..
8:44 PM Loved on; Y
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
hey!
hahaha, today at work its the 1st time in this 2 years that i had alot of fun..muahahahah
hard to believe?? yeah i knw. hehehe.
well anyway right now dad is seriously pissing me off..
fuck, like seriously i'm not that religious like you are..really this highly "religious" ppl are so stupid..
dun they learn tat too religious actually bring trouble..pfft "adults"
they nva learn...
honestly i thought i made myself clear that in terms of religion i'm not going to be so strict abt it..
cuz i've done things which against the teachings..but i'm still part of it in e society..
i'm not going to be e 'iman' type. ok..
dun they see tat e more they stress abt it e more we won't do it.. e reason bcuz some "adults" cant be trusted, even ur own parents.
like as if they have never done things that they think is stupid b4..haiz..honestly dun they look back and learn.?
u cant force a religion to a person, i believe that e time will come when a person is ready for it..
i smoke, drink and sometimes eat food which is not halal..to be honest but, i still follow some of e teachings okay. prayer wise urmm.. name me 1 teen right here u knw who prays all 5 times everyday single day in a week, year, life. cant ans? of course u cant cuz no 1 here realli did pray all 5 times. pfft. and some adults say "its only 5! what is so difficult?" fuck la..they themselves dun pray all 5 and expect us to..pfft.! u see how logical i am..hahahaha makes sense right?
so if u feel lazy be honest abt it even if ur parents make a fuss abt it. tell them off. what abt their younger days?i'm sure they would understand i think..hahaha.
me dad? oh his a pain in e ass alright.. expect me to pray even during working hours.pfft.
realli sick.. i think i have to give him a knock on e head to make his senses come back..hahahaha.
i say it but i dun do it..cuz i still love and respect him, but sometimes i do find him annoying and a hard head..hahahaha..
okay tats all..bye
pA!5
7:38 PM Loved on; Y
Monday, October 25, 2010
hey everyone...
had SIM today and it was kind of a happy and bad day..
bad thing was S***** was pressuring us like fuck..hahahaha
okay the good thing.
i sat beside Bella e whole day..YES AH!!
woohooo she is so~ cute..OMG..
really i used to think she is ignorant but now hahahahaha..
i realli like her. Huda?ermm. hard to say..she is a nice girl and kind of dun want to break that image hers.
BUT Bella ooohhh she is so~~ OUCH!hahahahaha.
and guess what i think she likes me..yes i knw i knw like me??kidding ritee?hahaha
nope she was e down who invited me to sit beside her..muahahahaha
what does that mean??hahahahaha
okay tats it for now...
pA!5 Bella oh Bella..hahahaha
6:34 PM Loved on; Y
Friday, October 22, 2010
haiz i am so sway..
yesterday kena counselling form again..
and now today kena scolding..
i'm tired really tired..
nursing is definitely not my line..
i miss kak i realli do..
i dun care.. i will still call you kak even if u hate me, scold me, despise me
i WILL call u kak, bcuz u are...
now what the hell am i going to do i'm already on e blacklist.
if i end up seeing the section head, i'll be so~~ dead. and fail.
i juz want to end it..end this course so i can think of what i am going to do for my
future. but e truth is i just want to stay at home and juz live life like a lazy pig..
cuz i realii dun knw what i want to do..chef?haiz..
i am so~ hopeless.
i reali feel like ending this life of mine..cuz right now i can no longer handle it.
actuali i wanted to be a voice actor? go japan and maybe bcome a voice actor?
i realli want to go to japan and enjoy life there.
till i breath my final breath i guess.
so now how??well should continue living for now..
i want someone to truly understand me inside and outside my heart..
tell them my biggest secret, share my pain, happiness, sadness everything..
sounds like a relationship right? well is possible i realli want one...
okay thats it bye..
pA!5 4242564
10:59 PM Loved on; Y
Saturday, October 16, 2010
hey its me..
i really need to let it out now..
they told me how they feel when i'm arnd..
and i felt completely, utterly fucking disgusted with myself..
what am i doing getting the way of others relationships??
I'M SUCH A JERK!
they have been so supportive for me. gave me strength. gave me faith, hope. and gave me advice.
and what i gave them?? PROBLEMS. i feel so~ god i want to kill myself for their sake.
I'm happy for them, but i just can't seem to do, what i want to do..
i knw many times i cross the line. but the line kept getting smaller and smaller.
i didn't want to step over their head but i did.
ITS NOT EASY FOR ME TO FIND A RELATIONSHIP, I'VE BEEN TRYING FOR LIKE A YEAR?
I REALLY WANT TO NOT JUST YOU GUYS BUT ME TOO. I KNW U HAD TO TAKE MY FEELING IN CONSIDERATION I APPRECIATE THAT. I ALWAYS FELT KIND OF AWKWARD, BEING ALONE SINGLE.
I ALWAYS CRY MY HEART OUT EVERYTIME I WENT INSIDE MY ROOM. KEPT TALKING TO MYSELF, MAKING SELF DELUSIONS. EVERYTHING THAT CAN MAKE ME GO PSYCHO. A FREAK!
I HATE BEING ALONE, EVERY NIGHT I WISHED THAT MY FANTASIES WOULD COME TRUE. BUT FUCK IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. THIS ISN'T FAIRY TALE OR ANYTHING BUT I WISH IT WAS.
WHY WON'T THIS PAIN JUST STOP!!!!!?????
EVERYTIME I LOVE THERE WILL BE HATE. SO I SHOULD HATE TO BE LOVED??
THIS IS SO LIKE ASLAM. NO OFFENCE. BUT I JUST CAN'T SHAKE IT OFF.
MAYBE I SHOULD DISTANCE MYSELF FROM THEM FOR A WHILE. I GUESS MY PRESENCE JUST CAUSE PROBLEMS.. I LOVE THEM, THEY ARE MY HAPPY MOMENTS.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THEM.. I'VE BEEN SO~~ SELFISH THINKING EVERYONE IS HAPPY BUT THE FACT IS SOMETIMES THEY'RE NOT.. AND NOW I KNW.!
I SHOULD APOLOGIZE AND MAYBE DISBAND MYSELF FROM THEM. YEAH MAYBE THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.. IT WILL BE BETTER FOR EVERYONE..THEY WON'T MISS ME..THEY HAVE EACH OTHER, I JUST KNW THEY WILL ALWAYS BE HAPPY.. I JUST KNW IT..
IF I MET THEM OR ANYTHING I SHOULD PUT ON MY HAPPY FACE..
YEAH MAYBE THAT WON'T LET THEM WORRY ABOUT ME..
WTH?? WHY WOULD THEY WORRY ABT ME..HAHAHAHHAA I'M SUCH A DUMBASS..
THEY WON'T EVEN REALIZE I'M NOT THERE...YEAH THAT WOULD BE BETTER..
MY EXISTENCE WILL BE TOTALLY ERASE..YES THAT'S GOOD. NO MORE PROBLEMS WILL EVER HAPPEN AGAIN..YEAH THEY NO NEED TO WORRY..RIGHT THEN ITS SETTLE I SHOULD DISTANCE MYSELF FROM THEM FOR NOW..OR MAYBE TILL NEVER..
YEAH THAT WOULD BE BETTER.. CAUSE I KNW I WON'T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP ANY SOON..WHATEVER EVENTS THEY MAKE I WILL JUST SAY I'M BUSY YEAH THAT'S A EXCELLENT IDEA...MY GOD I'M SUCH A GENIUS!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
9:32 PM Loved on; Y
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
hey everyone hahahahaha..wow! 9 months i never blog hahaha..
how am i?? okay la..haha okay tat was a lie..actualli i'm not okay..
i read my past post and i realize that" ok i think i got abit more better than last time"
feeling.=)
haiz..3 months then we're graduating shit i feels so short and you knw unsatisfied.
i'm really gonna miss kak Ain, Ayul, and everyone, the thought i might not be able to see them makes want to cry my heart out and hug them and tell how i feel deep inside. i knw tat i;m desperate love in the past, but because the love they gave me was so warm that i want to be with them for the rest of my life. I became much more lively, positive, cheerful and happy because of them. haiz i just want to give them a 'BIG HUG' i really do. hehehe. Right Now I'm at home bored nothing to do and abit heart broken. thats why i'm bloggig hehehe. 7,8,9 oct is our chalet and I knw i'm going go wild and release all my tension, pressure, stress sitting at home. i dun care what others say I'm going to stay close around kak Ain.hehehehe. although Ayul is going to be mad.hahaha. sometimes i want to cut open my chest and show the people i love how my heart looks. my heart? how it looks like?.
well its kind of a dark, tormented, broken heart really,hahahaha, yes i knw EMO..
okay then i guess should stop for now..but i would want to say what i always say.
KAK AIN I LOVE YOU!!<3 AyUL you too..hahahaha i can't say i love you to you can I?
hahahaha
pA!5
6:44 PM Loved on; Y
Thursday, December 17, 2009
hey ppl...
right now i feel that my head is going to burst..soo many things happening at once..
first this and that then that and this..haiz...
I feel like jumping off a building I tell you..
Today nothing much fetch mummy from dialysis just now...hahaha
suddenly met my old patient there...hahas.. i was surprised to see him there really..
but I didn't talk to him that much cause I was lazy to...( i know i know I can be a very person)
Haiz.. feel like watching movies but, nobody to watch with...if can watch with her then maybe I feel satisfied... want to ask her watch movies but no guts to ask...hahahas( aku tau aku tau, aku kental)
but watching movies with her "ALONE" well I can just DREAM ON....theres no way a girl like her
would want to go out someone like me...haiz...
AIYAH!!!!! I want to die ahhh...so bored at home, nothing to do....
I feel like learning to play the guitar again...hahahaha.
I think by now you all might be thinking"waliao so random sia.. from one topic to another"
hahahaha if you guys think like that, then its true... I am typing randomly....because Im so bored!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well then I might as well end here for now... ciao...
9:37 PM Loved on; Y
